The Flame
by stardust2002
Summary: Songfic set midseason 3. Spoilers for everything to date including a few from season 3. Lee's feelings about Kara.


**The Flame**

This is a songfic to the lyrics of the Cheap Trick song 'The Flame'. Lee's feelings on his relationship with Kara. Spoilers for everything to date, including a few from season 3.

**oooooooooooooo**

_**xxx**_

_Another night slowly closes in and I feel so lonely_

_Touching heat freezing on my skin, I pretend you still hold me_

_**xxx**_

He used to welcome the darkness ... just a few short months ago he'd desired it more than anything else. He'd been totally serious when he'd told Kara he hadn't wanted to come back. He'd been happier than he could remember in those few moments when the darkness had taken him and released all his pain.

Now, the darkness felt like it was suffocating him.

It wasn't that he was lonely, well not really, there _was _a warm body curled up next to his. It just wasn't the body he wanted it to be. Her body was warm but even when it touched him, he froze to the core. The only time he remembered what it was like to be warm was when he remembered the night that almost was.

_**xxx**_

_I'm going crazy, I'm losing sleep_

_I'm in too far, I'm in way too deep over you_

_**xxx**_

Night after night he found himself walking. Just walking. Around and around his ship aimlessly, searching for something he knew he wouldn't find. _Couldn't _find because she wasn't here. She wasn't even on Galactica. She was gone.

Lee had known he was in for trouble the moment he'd seen her in the cell on Galactica. She wasn't his, never had been, never could be. He'd met her second, only after his brother had laid claim to her. It didn't matter though, he just couldn't get her out of his mind, now matter how hard he tried, no matter what he did, no matter who he was with. He knew it wasn't fair to those women but he couldn't help himself. Maybe that's why they were all blondes ... until Dee.

It was time he got over her, once and for all. She wasn't his, couldn't be. She was Sam's now.

_**xxx**_

_I can't believe you're gone_

_You were the first, you'll be the last._

_**xxx**_

How could she just leave? How could she just leave him? Didn't she care? No, she didn't. 'There's nothing there, do you get that?' she'd said to him. Yeah, he got it, but he'd refused to believe it. Anyone who'd seen them together knew there was _something _there, she just didn't want to admit it.

Lee had never thought she'd do it. When she'd told him Sam wanted to move to the planet, he figured it was over between them. That she'd never leave Galactica. Never leave the old man. Never leave _him. _But then she'd dropped the bomb - she was quitting and going with him.

Why? What did that pyramid jock have that Lee didn't? Why couldn't she love him instead of Sam? He knew he was destined to love her for the rest of his life, despite the fact that that love had done nothing but hurt him from the first day he'd met her.

_**xxx**_

_Wherever you go, I'll be with you_

_Whatever you want, I'll give it to you_

_Whenever you need someone to lay your heart and head upon_

_Remember after the fire, after all the rain, I will be the flame_

_I will be the flame_

_**xxx**_

What he wouldn't give to be the one down on the surface with her. Nothing, there wasn't anything he wouldn't be willing to give up for that. Dee mattered to him, but not enough to stop him from following his heart. If only he could.

But she was with someone else. Married to him in fact. That pretty much sealed the deal - no, there was nothing between her and Lee. Nothing at all. He'd at least wanted to be her friend but she didn't even seem to need that anymore. She never even told him she was leaving, how was that for friendship?

Even so, Lee's heart told him that if ever she called - if ever she needed him or wanted him, he would drop everything in a heartbeat and be there for her. She was a part of him, a part of the fabric of his soul that he couldn't extricate, and to be honest, probably wouldn't even if he could. He both loved and hated the feelings she gave him. But at least with her he felt _something._

**xxx**

_Watching shadows move across the wall, I feel so frightened_

_I wanna run to you, I wanna call, but I've been hit my lightning_

_**xxx**_

He knew he was miserable and that everyone could see it. Especially Dee. She was closest to him now, now that Kara was gone and he was away from his father. But she could only see what was on the surface. She'd never had the ability to penetrate to his innermost soul like Kara had had.

He knew he was being unfair to her, treating her like he loved her even though he didn't, but he couldn't stop himself. He had to have _something _and if he let her go, he'd be alone. Completely, utterly alone.

Every time he turned a corner and saw a flash of blonde hair, his heart beat faster. He knew it was just his mind playing tricks, seeing things where he shouldn't be but it just kept happening anyway, no matter how much he tried to convince himself to face reality.

Every shadow, every woman's voice reminded him of her. Every single thing reminded him of her. It was like she was an addiction, an obsession for him. Maybe she was.

_**xxx**_

_Just can't stand up for fallin' apart, Can't see through this veil across my heart over you_

_You'll always be the one_

_You were the first, you'll be the last._

_**xxx**_

He'd been in love with her since the first time he'd met her. She'd smiled that bright 'Starbuck' smile at him and proceeded to flirt with him all night, despite the fact that she was on a date with his brother. Zack hadn't seemed to mind - he'd loved her playful character and known that she was only joking. Lee knew - he'd confronted his brother on it and suggested that maybe she wasn't right for him. He'd only laughed it off and told Lee that if you were lucky enough to snag a woman like Kara Thrace, you didn't let go. Not ever.

So why had Lee let her go? He'd had her - at the Colonial Day ball, in his arms after she'd come back from Caprica the first time, nearly in bed with him the week before she'd shot him accidentally. Why hadn't he just held on for dear life and refused to let her go?

_**xxx**_

_Wherever you go, I'll be with you_

_Whatever you want, I'll give it to you_

_Whenever you need someone to lay your heart and head upon_

_**xxx**_

The grapevine hadn't taken long. She'd been aboard Galactica only a few hours and already he knew. Sam was out of the picture and she'd rejoined the military, taking up her old post of CAG on Galactica. What he didn't know was why.

There were rumours galore - from her getting sick of her jock husband, to him dying a slow, painful death of some unexplained illness, to the cylons shooting him down. Lee didn't know what to believe. All he knew was that he had to get back there and talk to her for himself. Though she might not want to talk to him, considering how things had been left when she'd gone down to the planet. Didn't matter, Lee needed to talk to her anyway. He'd make her if he had to.

Thankfully his father understood and had allowed him leave to come visit. As he stepped off the raptor into the all-too-familiar hangar bay, he saw her ... and he barely recognized her. She was broken, a shell of the former woman he'd known. But in true Starbuck style, she was pretending she wasn't and putting on a brave face. He could see the pain in her eyes though, and the lack of life. Something was missing in her - the flame that had always sparkled to the surface had gone. Lee had a new mission in life - rekindle the spark that was Kara Thrace and bring her back to life. And for the first time in a year, he felt like a whole person again.

_**xxx**_

_Remember after the fire, after all the rain, I will be the flame_

_I will be the flame._

_**xxx**_


End file.
